Dear Readers,
We the editors of TitsandBalls would like to extend our heartfelt apologies for the current condition of our precious but regrettably neglected website. You might have noticed first of all the putrid color scheme that is practically blinding in its monstrosity. This is due to unavoidable labor contract issues that are currently being resolved. [...]
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Crystal Springs: Are Statues the New Tomatoes?
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It’s been almost 70 years since Crystal Springs reigned as the largest exporter of tomatoes (in the world?), but locals still know it as the “Once known as the TOMATOPOLIS OF THE WORLD” A curious tourist will still be directed to the one-room Tomato Museum, and the annual Tomato Festival is ...Read More
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“Tomatopolis of the World”
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En route to New Orleans, we were lucky to stumble upon a tomato museum! Unbeknownst to us, Crystal Springs, Mississippi (population 5,939) was once known as the "Tomatopolis of the world," since so many tomatoes were shipped nation wide. Crystal Springs is the highest elevation point on the railroad line ...Read More
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Ode to Home
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. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . From my bed (that I share) I can see the earth And the sky I can see Blake and Mary Ellen And every other room in my house I can see the neighbor's house (And not just through the window) (Which is very dirty anyways, and broken) It is the second most beautiful place I have ever lived Read More
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My Dream Last Night, or: Why Tony Hayward Isn’t So Bad
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Last night, while sharing a bed with my friend Garwin, I had an awesome dream. Here it is. Garwin and I went to the golf course in Northfield, MN, and somehow talked our way into getting some clubs and balls so we could hit up some holes (is that proper golf ...Read More
The Future: Superlative Edition
Travis: most likely to… dress best, obtain a PHD, go to space, be super fit, join the military, get into a fight at his son/daughter’s sporting event, die first.
Life story: Travis will attend graduate school where he will obtain a PHD in space travel. He will begin to be best dressed in his class and subsequently woo a spouse. After some brief stints in space, he decides that he is already super fit and it would be apropos to join the military. Upon completing his service, he fathers a child and fosters the child’s athleticism and sense of competition. At his son’s first soccer game, Travis gets into a physical altercation with the referee over a poor call made against his son, which tragically ends in an early death.
Will: most likely to… sleep with a hooker, go to jail, go to rehab and give head, meet his spouse on-line, join a cult
Life story: To blow off some post-graduation anxiety, Will will sleep with a hooker. Unfortunately, the condom breaks and Will contracts a new and rare incurable STD. Will studies up on his organic chemistry and begins to create a pill that he believes will cure this new disease. While the drug does indeed work, it is highly addictive. In order to feed his new drug addiction, Will begins prostituting himself. This lands Will in jail and subsequently rehab. At this point Will is now STD-free and engages in oral sex with several fellow rehab-goers. Post-rehab, Will finds himself lonely and alone and decides to try a trial subscription to J-date. He quickly falls in love and marries a lovely Jewish woman. Together they renounce traditional Judaic practices and join a cult centered around experiential sexual experiences.
Max: most likely to…be a trustee, have kids first, elected office, receive a vasectomy
Shortly after graduation, Max will meet the woman of his dreams. Immediately following their wedding, they conceive a child. Max is unsatisfied with Oregon’s laws against self-serve gas, since he is addicted to the smell of gas fumes and enjoys them on his hands, thus he runs for mayor of Portland. Max wins the race and quickly changes the law. Max fathers two more children and the large family begins to take a toll on his political career. Max is unable to achieve an erection while wearing a condom and his wife reacts strongly to extra hormones, so Max decides the only solution is to get a vasectomy. Finally, he is a successful politician and becomes a trustee at Carleton College, where all his children attend.
KK: most likely to…fly an airplane, disappear for 15 years then reappear, live abroad, be hottest obese person
Life story: Unsure of what to do with his newfound freedom, KK will secretly buy a plane, take flying lessons, and disappear. After his friends and family mourn this disappearance for 15 years, he makes a grand reappearance, sharing stories of a grand life around the globe. Unable to readjust to consumer culture in the good ‘ol USA, KK turns to overeating for happiness. It takes years for him to pack on the pounds, but he eventually becomes obese, and receives more date offers than ever before with his new flab.
Dan: most likely to…marry first, have the most kids, come to every reunion
Always a romantic at heart, Dan will fall madly in love, and one month after graduation propose in a room he filled floor to ceiling with roses. While the lucky woman suffers from many thorn cuts, she happily accepts, and the two get married within the year. Soon Dan becomes dissatisfied with married life, and realizes he wants some kids to play with. 10 years later, the Jensens have 10. Dan is satisfied with his life, but the true highlights are Carleton reunions. Dan refuses to ever miss one, and even came with all 5 kids when 4 of them had the chicken pox.
Gibson: most likely to…be elected office, sleep with his boss, have a mid-life crisis, get divorced first, run from his wedding, have an affair, be obese, live abroad
Life story: Upon graduation, Gibson accepts a entry-level desk job only to pay the bills temporarily until he finds the job of his dreams in Brooklyn. Instead, he becomes infatuated with his hot boss and spends the next 20 years of his life trying to woo her into bed with him. Eventually, both get quite drunk at a company party and he finally achieved the seemingly impossible. The sex was less than satisfactory and so is his job, thus Gibson is forced to reevaluate his life. This sparks an interminable mid-life crisis resulting in weeks and weeks of watching TV and eating ice cream. Now obese, jobless, and alone, Gibson makes a pact with himself to turn his life around. He begins running and runs into a beautiful girl with a dog. Confusing lust with love, Gibson agrees to marry her, but second guesses himself and runs from the altar. Again alone, Gibson sets off to reinvent his life again. He runs for office, surprisingly wins, and marries his campaign manager. However, he still misses his first fiancee, especially the dog, and has an affair with her, ending his marriage. Gibson’s perpetual indecision and reevaluation do not lead to a happy ending. With nothing left for him in the states, he moves abroad to Spain, where he no longer has clout with the Spanish women
Jenny…most likely to be famous
Life story: Jenny will become so focused on her creative talents, she will have little time for anything else. But soon, her hard work will pay off, and her work will sell like wildfire. Jenny will become the most talented new contemporary artwork, showing her work at such high profile shows as the Whitney biennial. She wil continue to excel in the improv world as well, and will no longer be able to walk down the streets without autograph requests.
Zach: most likely to…live abroad, be a DILF, have an on-line sex tape, have an affair
After graduation, Zach moves to Montana where he lives in a trailer with an extremely hot cow girl. Day-in and day-out the two have steamy sex, videotaping each session. One day the trailer is robbed, and all the sex-tapes end up on the internet. This proves to be positive for Zach since he then receives hundreds of fan letters every day. A particularly thoughtful letter inspires Zach to call her and ask her out on a date. They quickly get married, and even though Zach still sleeps with the cowgirl, he has two children with his new wife. All his daughter’s friends pronounce him a DILF, and try to sleep with him, but Zach already has his hands, or I should say penis, full.
Lauren: most likely to…find Jesus, be PTA leader, last to die
The tolls of college prove to be harder on Lauren then the rest of her party-loving friends because she unfairly lacks the enzyme alcohol dehydrogenase. After a year of excruciating liver pain, she decides to repent for her sins, hoping she can turn her life around. She finds Jesus, gives up drugs and alcohol, and her liver begins to heal. At a bible study camp, she meets the man of her dreams, and two have beautiful healthy children. Lauren is so worried her children will too end up with failing livers, so she becomes a helicopter parent, baking cupcakes for the PTA weekly. Since Lauren has not had a drop of alcohol in many years, she outlives all of her friends, and does not die until the age of 107.
Balls: most likely to…win a competitive eating competition, never get a job with benefits
Graduating with a place to live, yet no real job, Balls enrolls in a jambalaya eating competition. Excited about the $200 cash prize, and 15 pounds of free jambalaya, Balls dedicates the next two months of her life to practicing. She wins the competition by a landslide, and makes her mark on the map of competitive eating. Excited about her new found talent, she signs up for more and more competitions. Soon, she is traveling the world participating in eating competitions and becomes the best female eater in the world. Eating proves itself to be quite lucrative, and Balls never needs to find a real job.
Alice: most likely to…buy a minivan, become a republican
Although Alice has a hatred for children, she does have a love for pleasing others. She soon meets a all-American, family-centered man, and cannot help but fall in love with him. This man is so charismatic, there is nothing Alice will not do for him, which sadly includes buying a mini-van to transport their three blue-eyed children to soccer practice. Alice soon becomes obsessed with her newfound influx of money and begins to vote republican.
Tits: most likely to…never get a real job, live on a commune, fulfill her dream, live alone with her pets, play bingo weekly
Upon graduation, Tits will move to a commune. She loves the communal daily life, but the entrepreneur in her will take over. She will leave the commune, and set out to fulfill her dream. One year later, Tits’ bagels will open. The shop will be met with wild success and is given four stars by the New York Times. By this point, Tits owns four cats, two birds, two goats, a pig, and chickens. Balls soon becomes frustrated with the amount of animals in the house, since they are constantly eating the food she needs to practice for her competition. Balls then moves out, and Tits is left alone with her animals. Tits does not mind, since she is so busy baking and has plenty of animals for company. Every week, Tits sets aside a night of free time to play bingo, where her bird accompanies her on her shoulder. The night is always filled with continuous laughter, and ends with cash prizes, which Tits uses to buy toys for her pets.
Totally Tubular: MRI Images of Coitus
In 1999, a motley crew of a gynecologist, physiologist, anthropologist, and radiologist, set out to make an amazing discovery. They attempted to find out if it would be feasible to obtain images of male and female genitalia during coitus. The answer: Yes!
We bring you, 11 years later, animated images of their amazing discovery. We here at Crack Home have been, if not enjoying, watching the video.
The paper, for those interested: http://www.bmj.com/cgi/content/full/319/7225/1596
The CLAP 2.0
This is the future of the Carleton Literary Association Paper. CLAP rants are constantly migrating into new media, and this is the first full scale rap effort ever attempted. Re: “Letter to my friends”, “Two Letters/Rants”. The Carleton Literary Association Paper, Vol 8.5 Issues 1 & 2.
Artist: Drugs feat. Whistling Wizard (Prod. Mad Beetz)
Album: Album of the Year
Ancient Amphitheaters
In the course of my studies at Carleton College, I had to do a brief, shallow research project about gladiators. I was involved in a group, of which the other members produced web pages on various topics surrounding gladiatorial combat. I personally wrote the segment on amphitheaters, the large, round arenas in which gladiatorial combat took place. It is viewable here, although it is possible that you will need to log into the Carleton network.
Additionally, during the course I discovered that taking a 100-level class as a junior or senior is unwise, because the younger members of your class will be in your group, and they will remove all of the books addressing your topic from the shelves, and then they will take them and read them and write a brief, shallow account of gladiators’ social status in ancient Rome, and then they will leave them all on a random table near the back stairwell on the first floor of the library. To my younger audience, I recommend the elimination of introductory credits as soon as possible.
One other thing: It’s fine to hang around with hoboes, but only if they give you their booze.
Squash Pizza
First, make dough. This is my Italian grandmother’s recipe (seriously). Mix 2 2/3 cups flour, 1 tsp salt, 1 TBSP olive oil. Add 1 TBSP yeast bloomed in 1 cup warm water. Let rise for some time. While the dough is rising, turn on the oven (450ish) and put in a halved squash of some sort.
Stretch dough- should make two pans. If you mess up here, it will be catastrophic. If having a dinner party, only let your most even-tempered friends participate in dough-stretching.
********A Tits Thought Sidebar*********
While you are stretching the dough, contemplate what you would be like if you parents were Ayn Rand and David Foster Wallace. You might also wish to contemplate the circumstances under which Ayn Rand and David Foster Wallace would conceive a child. Submissions welcome.
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Now that your dough is stretched, it is time to put things on it. Take out the squash (remember the squash? It’s in the oven), and cut it into strips or mash it up or something. Put squash on dough. Drizzle with olive oil. Add a handful of chopped fresh garlic, generous amounts of dried thyme (you could probably use fresh if you have it), black pepper, and freshly grated parm or asiago or comparable cheese. Put in oven (still 450-ish) and bake until done.
Top with some sort of balsamic glaze/reduction. I was lucky enough to find a bottle labeled “Balsamic Glaze” in the cupboard that the previous renters had left behind. I heated it on the stove and added some honey, just so that I could feel useful. If your previous renters didn’t leave glaze, I infer from “reduction” that you cook it on the stove for a long time, perhaps adding honey at some point. You could also google it.
Enjoy pizza!
Moral of the Recipe: When cooking, it is important never to become frenzied. When you find yourself panicking, try to remember that you are in your kitchen, and settle down.
Apple Pie: Crack home food pick of the week
Fall is a season of mixed emotions. It signifies below freezing temperatures arriving all too soon, but it is also a season of communal gatherings, beautiful colors, and joyous festivities. One of my personal favorite fall activities is apple picking followed by pie baking. We recently baked two delicious apple pies, where many friends gathered to be photographed with the creation. Here is the recipe so you can recreate it for yourself. Also, it is key to creatively decorate the crust, so you do not just make any old ordinary pie. We chose to do a marijuana leaf, but your motif can cater to the theme of the gathering.
Applie pie recipe:
For the filling:
- 8 or 9 large apples of several different cooking varieties (Delicious apples will NOT do), peeled, cored, and thinly sliced
- Juice of 1 large lemon
- Sugar
- Ground cinnamon
- Unsalted butter
For the Crust:
- 3 cups sifted all-purpose flour
- 1/4 cup sugar
- Pinch of salt
- 8 tablespoons (1 stick) unsalted butter, chilled and cut into 8 pieces
- 1/3 cup shortening, chilled and cut into small pieces
- 6 to 8 tablespoons iced water
Preparation
To make the pie:
Preheat oven to 450° F.
Prepare the pastry. Line a 9-inch pie pan with half of the pastry and set aside in the refrigerator, along with the unrolled half, while you make the filling. Taste a few slices of the apples to gauge how much sugar you’ll need to make them sweet. In a large bowl, mix the apple slices in the lemon juice. Sprinkle with sugar and cinnamon to taste, then add the mace and nutmeg. Pour the apple mixture into the prepared pastry shell. Mound toward the center and dot with butter. Roll out the remaining pastry and carefully lay it over the apples. Seal the edges, cut vent holes, and decorate with extra pieces of dough cut into decorative shapes. Place the pie pan on a baking sheet (to catch any spill over) and cook in the middle of the oven for 10 minutes. Turn the oven down to 350° F. and continue to cook for about another hour, until the top crust is a beautiful golden brown. If the edges start to darken too much, cover with a ribbon of aluminum foil.
To make the crust:
Combine the flour, sugar, and salt in a bowl. Incorporate the butter and shortening with a pastry blender until the mixture resembles coarse cornmeal. Add the iced water, 1 tablespoon at a time, until the dough begins to form into a ball. Turn the dough out onto a sheet of plastic wrap. As you wrap the dough in the plastic, form it into a disk. Refrigerate for 30 minutes.
Take the dough from the refrigerator and cut it into 2 pieces, one slightly bigger than the other. Wrap the smaller piece in plastic wrap and return to the refrigerator. Roll out the bigger piece on a lightly floured surface until it’s slightly larger than the pie pan. Drape one end of the dough over the pin and gently lift it up, then slip the pan underneath the dough and lower it into the pan. Press the dough gently — and quickly — against the sides of the pan. Leave about an inch of dough hanging over the sides of the pan and cut any excess away. Refrigerate the crust for at least 30 minutes before filling.
After you have filled the pie, take the smaller disk from the refrigerator and roll it out on a lightly floured surface until it’s a little bigger than the pie. Drape one end of the dough over the rolling pin, lift it gently, then drape it over the top of the filling. Press the edges together and crimp to seal. Makes a double 9-inch crust.
Floating Festival
So after attending a lot of riverfront/costal festivals this summer, I have come to wonder why no one has started a floating festival. In the heat of the summer, water often appears much more desirable than standing in the blazing sun surrounded by hundreds of other smelly, sweaty, disgruntled fans. If a band could play on a barge attendees could float on rafts, dance on docks, be on jet skies, tread water, laze on an inner tube, dine on yachts, or anything else their hearts desired.
Another great thing is that water is a teriffic sound conductor, thus sound can travel for vast distances before dying out. I am not an expert, but I think this could really enhance the concert experience.