Tits&Balls

My mid-afternoon meal: let’s set the scene.

It’s storming ferociously outside. Torrential lightning, thunder, downpour, etc. Darkness at 4:15. The narrator and her dog are in the kitchen. Buddy dozes, unimpressed by the impending apocalypse, under the table. The room is muggy, and still hot. It’s been a slow day so far- a morning spent cutting wood to repair someone else’s damaged karma, an afternoon spent recovering from dehydration -incurred during previously mentioned morning activity-while webstalking sister’s boyfriend.

I guess you could say the ingredients for this meal chose themselves.

The Bread

The narrator took a whole loaf of whole wheat multigrain out of the freezer this morning to thaw, tired of futily sawing at frozen bread. Unbeknownst to her, her roommate had recently done the exact same thing! And, since both narrator and roommate have heard that it’s for some reason bad to refreeze things, it is imperative that they be eating bread with every meal.

The Vegetable

A benefit of having all of one’s friends and acquaintances leave town for a whole month is that one ends up with a lot of perishables. Like: broccoli. But since the narrator doesn’t particularly like broccoli and the roommate is currently on the Kill Atkins Bagel Diet, broccoli’s been going kinda yellow. Needed to be eaten today.

The Meat

Sort of a reward for eating broccoli. The narrator definitely has a thing for pre-sliced pepperoni. It reminds her of her childhood. Micah donated a pack and a half before leaving for Maine, and she’s been snacking on it guiltily and compulsively. But it’s almost gone. Let’s end this.

Cheese #1

Oh god, I don’t know how old the mozzarella is. Not new, that’s for sure. Pick out the moldy bits and let’s get a move on.

Cheese #2

Feta- purely aesthetic.

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Like that lighting? That's "tuscan farmhouse"

Still Life on Stove

(chewing noises)

(slowing down)

Got these plates at a yard sale.

Too bad.  We’re not.  How is it possible that the tone of titsandballs.org is still so bitter even though we are surrounded by cute animals? It’s fuckin’ hot.  But, right now it is playtime for two lucky chicks!

They also enjoy reading about feminism in the New Yorker.  And, picking lint off the bed!

That article really tuckered them out.  Ruh roh.  It’s all fun and games until something poops.

JK! I have nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing, to add to this interminable debate. I literally have no opinion. Thousands, and I mean billions, of experts and idiots have already added their 2¢, and titsandballs has no desire to become embroiled. Fuck yourself, Zuckerpage.

Here’s a picture of my dog:

It’s Aug. 1, and that means 2 things. 1: most of today will be devoted to changing over our calendars, and 2: it’s fucking hot. Pretty much the only thing I want in my mouth right now besides Eric Lind’s quivering member is an ice-cold popsicle with booze in it. And since what’s-his-face is out-of-town, I’m makin’ poptails!

Step 1: Assemble Ingredients

You will want 1 butternut squash, maple syrup, Early Times Kentucky Whisky Aged In Oak, For A Taste Worth The Wait, some dairy, some black pepper, and a pinch of salt. Also something to put the cocksicles in, and sticks.

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Step 2: Roast the Squash

In the oven, at 350degrees, for 30min.

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Step 3: Puree

With your portable immersion blender or trusty food processor, puree the butternut. Then add butter, milk, whiskey, maple syrup, S&P. All proportions are, as usual, to taste.

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Step 4: Freeze

Spoon the mixture into manageable serving sizes, add sticks, put in freezer. With more liquidy mixtures I recommend letting them freeze partially for about an hour before adding the sticks. This is pretty stiff though, so it should be fine.

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Step 5:

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I rise, as usual, with the sun

and whine. Wake up!

No time to waste

(I am the early bird)

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Finally she is ready

and we go to the sandy shore

Mighty Mississippi

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The waves crash, titanic

They don’t scare me

very much

(I am intrepid)

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I race across the beach

at speeds exceeding 100mph

They have never seen anything like it!

(I am the Indy 500)

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I wait patiently as I am brushed

Silky hairs piling up in drifts

Plenty more where that came from

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At the dog park

My proprietary gaze lands on a statuesque Great Dane

and I mount her from behind

(I am quite the ladies’ man)

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Across the field, a pedigreed boxer

I sniff his genitals

and casually attempt an advance

(I am incorrigible ;))

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Precise, holistic, complete

Senior formula: Pet Food That Fits Your Lifestyle

I will not settle for less

(I am a ravenous, devouring beast)

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I am tired now, after my exertions

and circle, preparing for rest.

Seriously? No AC?

(I am a patient martyr)

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I lay by the front door

Exhausted, vigilant

I am a very good dog

Who’s there?

Nobody

Nobody who?

Nobody who’s not Tits and Balls, bunch of jerks, everybody else fled the scene, said it’s too hot. Just go North, whatever, we don’t need you, have fun in Maine, Seattle, Denver, Austin, it’s still fucking hot in Austin anyways, and isn’t there a heat wave in the Midwest? Roast, I say. We’re fine, thanks. We have plans. And fans. We’re busy- too busy, in fact. We have got a LOT going on here. So with no further ado, please allow me to introduce you to our NEW friends, true companions, won’t/can’t leave us, best summer ever, New Orleans August 2011 4Lyfe!!!

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You’ve met these little ones already, but let me tell you they just get cuter every day! Honestly, I swear they are half penguin. Check out their new digs:

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And here’s Buddy, doing his best to beat the heat. More about Buddy and his amorous escapades later.

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Um, this is our Venus Flytrap Seed. Turns out they are quite finicky, and can take 3-4 years to reach adult size, that is if you can even get them started. Given that this seed came free from a directionless packet via a yard sale and is god only knows how old and/or driedup and totally nonviable, well, we’ll see.

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We’re also going to start brewing beer, but we’ll probably drink it all before you out-of-towners get back. Sorry.