Tits and Balls

I had never heard of Kombucha until a housemate started brewing it in my kitchen. At first glance, it’s a huge glass jar containing a brownish liquid and two or three white, slimy pancakes that float near the top and have grown to fit the size of their container. It also smells really bad. I have been promised, however, that this unappealing mess is in fact manna from heaven.

About half of the people I ask have heard of Kombucha, although I expect that number to swell rapidly over the next several years, due to both increased popularity among trendy environmentalists and recognition on this site, titsandballs.org. Those in the know are generally positive about their experiences, describing Kombucha as “a kick,” “really good for my stomach,” and “mildly euphoric.” The uninformed tend to be mildly interested but mostly grossed out.

So, What Is Kombucha? (Those of you who already know, please indulge me.) Kombucha is “a sweetened tea or tisane that has been fermented using a macroscopic solid mass of microorganisms called a “kombucha colony,” usually consisting principally of Acetobacter-species and yeast cultures.” The macroscopic solid mass of microorganisms is actually the slimy pancakes that I mentioned earlier. To true Kombucha followers it is living and beautiful. They refer to the mass as “She” and “the Mother” and are distraught by the idea of harm to her. Kombucha dates back to the Qin Dynasty in China, where it was thought to balance the inner Qi. So basically it’s a tea that is fermented by a fungus that grows inside it. Fine. That’s not even the grossest thing I’ve heard today, since it was Poop Day at camp. But why all the intrigue surrounding it? According to Awakening-Healing’s website, Kombucha

- creates more space, and allows more light to be in the cells

- plays a vital role in regenerating bowel flora

- strengthens leg muscles

- enhances sexual drive

- heals sweaty feet, constipation, joint and back pains, and abscesses

- helps to restore color to gray hair and improves baldness

- encourages body rejuvenation

and much more.

Is it true? I couldn’t say, since our batch isn’t ready yet. If it is, it seems that this miracle tea could in fact be the key to everlasting life, elixir from the fountain of youth, and I eagerly await its readiness. For those of you with less progressive housemates, never fear, Kombucha is also available at health food stores, bottled and mixed with juice. So for those readers who suffer from crowded cells, degenerating bowel flora, weak leg muscles, decreased sexual drive, sweaty feet, constipation, joint and back pains, abscesses, gray hair, baldness, cancer, chickenpox, shingles, wrinkles, cataracts, etc, or for those of you who just want the rejuvenating effects, Kombucha might be the answer to your prayers.

For more information about Kombucha, check out Wikipedia’s highly informative page.