Tits and Balls

If you haven’t picked up on this already, we at titsandballs.org have been pretty much inundated with God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, really, the whole shebang. However, thanks to a pamphlet entitled “STOP: WHO DO YOU THINK I AM?” from our new friends, Scott and Robert, I’ve recently come to the realization that God is everywhere in our secular world. We’ve really just been reading his signs (hahahaha PUN) incorrectly.

“STOP: WHO DO YOU THINK I AM” is essentially the evangelical Christian version of the Driver’s Manual, with the road becoming an extended metaphor for the self, YOURself, life, etc, and road signs, or God’s signs, directing you on the one true way. Oddly enough, I feel like I’m sitting in Tai Chi and chilling with Zhou again. But as I learned today, without the direction of this pamphlet, nice old men like Zhou and Lao Tzu are definitely going to Hell. The entire manual, published by the organization, Grace To You, can be accessed here, but I’ll give you the Sparknotes version for your typical heathen.

JESUS IS GOD

As a seasoned Bible study attendee, I was pretty familiar with the general concept of God and Jesus being two forms of the same being. While the Jews in my party were marveling at this fact, I, on the other hand was perplexed by the pointed exclusion of the Holy Spirit. While this manual uses the split road sign to illustrate the relationship between God and Jesus, I was much more familiar with the three-leaf clover as a symbol of the tripartite relationship between God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. Way to cut out my personal favorite of this divine trio. I am now commiserating pretty seriously with the Holy Spirit.

JESUS IS THE SAVIOR

Robert and Scott pointed out exactly the dire nature of our situation, you know, us being sinners and all. Quoting from Jeremiah, “Can the Ethiopian change his skin or the leopard its spots? Neither can you do good who are accustomed to doing evil?” Well guys, this sucks. No good doing by heathens. Ever.

On a much lighter (or perhaps more serious) note, I am noting some hating on the lefties. Why is the “right” the “right” way? Does Jesus prefer the right to the left in the same way he prefers Balls to everyone else? Please Grace To You, end this association of debauchery with the left.

JESUS IS THE ONLY ACCEPTABLE OBJECT OF SAVING FAITH

…aaaaand I’m out of breath

This one is pretty self explanatory. Also, thanks for pointing to the right again. Lefties, rise up in fists.

HOW WILL YOU RESPOND

After our first reading of this pamphlet, we were perplexed by this sign. What? No parking? Is God expelling us from his warm and benevolent bosom of goodness? This misunderstanding can be attributed to our sinner mentality; the ominous ending, “will you repent and believe in Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior,” is intended to be an inspiration, or maybe just some subtle pressure, to make us all want to continue on this road to the ultimate goal: a life with God.

So friends, here we are, with all the goods. Now it’s time to answer the question that Robert and Scott, quoting Jesus, presented to titsandballs.org on the eve of the Sabbath day: Who do you think I am?

co-written by Tits, Balls, Thanny, and Tiamat Destroyer of Worlds

Earlier this evening Tits, Balls, and friends were walking home from dinner when they were politely approached by two men; one was nondescript while the other had a very interesting hair-do (short and curly on top and a ponytail in back).

The men asked us if we had a few minutes to participate in a survey. We were led to believe that all they wanted from us was some input on the spiritual opinions on campus, so we kindly acquiesced. From the beginning, the survey was a bit unconventional. The few questions they asked about our views on God and the existence of an afterlife were followed by zero documentation on their part. After four basic questions, the conversation progressed to the nondescript man using the watchmaker’s argument tin order to convince us that intelligent design does indeed exist while evolution does not.

From there, their analogies became a bit more unconventional. For example, if you punched your friend in the face, they’d be mad, right? And then you’d have to deal with your friend. Imagine, then, that you punch a judge in the face. The punishment would be worse, probably. So what if you punched the president in the face? Basically, punching your friend in the face is like killing someone, a lesser crime compared to punching the president in the face (not believing in God.) I think. Another convincing argument was this: If you got married, you’d want your husband to love you, right? And pamper you and buy you flowers? Jesus loves you. Jesus is IN LOVE WITH YOU, Balls. (Why did he pick Balls and nobody else? Who knows. Maybe Jesus has a thing for blondes.)

It eventually got to the point, as these arguments often do, where both parties were arguing on different levels. The proselytizers were picking and choosing their Bible arguments (yeah I’m wearing mixed fabrics, but can we please focus on the moral rules in the Bible instead?) and attempting to argue under the assumption that God does exist, while we were trying to get them back to the fundamental question of whether there is a God (or “Creator”, for you ID folks). Eventually we realized nobody was changing their beliefs today, and parted ways amicably. We also received Christian music CD’s and nice little pamphlets entitled “Stop! Who do you think I am?” with a very endearing street signs theme.

Thanny, however, was converted by Robert and Scott. He understood that on the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus really did split a couple fish and some bread and feed a whole bunch of people. From his own experiences, Thanny has realized that people these days eat portions that are way too big. You can really eat much smaller portions and still be full after meals. Jesus was a miracle worker because he spread this message of healthy living to the Israelites back in the day. Also, sometimes after people die, other people can have dreams where they are communicating with those that have recently passed away. This seems to suggest the existence of an afterlife of some sort. With this evidence, plus the miracles of Jesus, it is evident that Jesus was a real cool guy. But, God sucks.

At one point, the tall guy with the interesting hair-do asked if anyone in the group was Jewish while he looked directly at me (Tits). I confirmed his suspicion and then he went on to tell me how his wife is Jewish and that he is in love with Israel. The conversation quickly shifted to him trying to convince me that Jesus is in fact the Messiah since the bible predicted Israel would become a nation state and that is what happened. Apparently, tons of Jews are moving to Israel because they have had dreams and became immediately inspired. Thousands of Orthodox Jews living in New York City are becoming messianic Jews. Additionally, whole villages in Morocco are picking up and moving to Israel. The government is worried. This one-sided conversation soon ended with him saying…”Led Zeppelin was my god. He didn’t change my life. Buddhism and Hinduism didn’t change my life. Heroin didn’t change my life. LSD didn’t change my life. Jesus did. Pick up your bibles and explore this for yourself.”

But, of course very few of us own bibles, and none of us were about to explore their nonsensical ideas for ourselves. So, although they saw this meeting as a “divine appointment,” we saw it as a seemingly never-ending detour which delayed our own “divine appointment” with a delicious chocolate peanut-butter cake.