Tits and Balls

In 1999, a motley crew of a gynecologist, physiologist, anthropologist, and radiologist, set out to make an amazing discovery. They attempted to find out if it would be feasible to obtain images of male and female genitalia during coitus. The answer: Yes!

We bring you, 11 years later, animated images of their amazing discovery. We here at Crack Home have been, if not enjoying, watching the video.

The paper, for those interested: http://www.bmj.com/cgi/content/full/319/7225/1596

This is the future of the Carleton Literary Association Paper.  CLAP rants are constantly migrating into new media, and this is the first full scale rap effort ever attempted.  Re: “Letter to my friends”, “Two Letters/Rants”. The Carleton Literary Association Paper, Vol 8.5 Issues 1 & 2.

CLAP (2.0)

Artist: Drugs feat. Whistling Wizard (Prod. Mad Beetz)

Album: Album of the Year

As a heterosexual female, I feel it is my duty to draw attention to an example of prejudice so glaring it’s amazing that people haven’t actually been blinded by the injustice of it.  Do you think we’re stupid?  That we wouldn’t notice? We get what you’re saying, assholes. I’m talking about the “All Genders” bathroom fad currently sweeping our country.  It’s great in principle- a bathroom where all are welcome, regardless of creed or gender, to wave around whatever genitalia they may have, in peace.  In “pee”ce.  Fine. Wonderful.  But there’s a dark underbelly to the “All Genders” charade. Look at the sign.  Single-gendered people are being marginalized.  There they are, squeezed into the margins.   Transgendered people are bigger, more athletic, happier.  “Men” and “Women” are small, somber, unattractive, weak, immobile, and have unnaturally large heads.  Why is my torso, the torso of a living, breathing individual with hopes and dreams of her own, portrayed by a stick?  Who says I’m not a spiral, or a zig-zag, or a star? I may only have a vagina, but I have feelings, too.  And to imply that single-gendered people can’t dance? That we just stand, flat-footed, and maybe occasionally clap off beat? That’s a myth, a stereotype, and frankly, I expect better.  I deserve better.  This is an institution that prides itself on its openness and acceptance. So fuck you for making me feel like a second-class citizen. There is a crumbling foundation under this house of cards, and if something doesn’t change, we’ll all be swept into the sea. So I propose that we get new bathroom signs, based on science, not prejudice. It’s probably too late for us, but if we start fighting now, maybe future generations of male and female humans will finally feel like they belong.

I had the pleasure of castrating an alpaca with a pocket knife. I actually got to hold the castrated, purple (from the disinfectant) ball in my hand, much like Tyler is doing above. Quite the amazing experience.

You will need a t-shirt, scissors, and a needle and thread.

Step 1:

Lay the t-shirt flat on the table and cut about half an inch off the sides, also removing the sleeves. When you lay it out, you should have a long rectangle with the neck hole in the middle. Keep the sleeves and the two long strips that you’ve cut off, you’ll need these later.

Step 2:

Cut open one of the sleeves along the seam, which will leave you with a rectangle of fabric. Cut the biggest circle you can out of this fabric. It should be bigger than the neck hole. Next, sew this circle into the neck hole so that you have a pouch. This is where the package goes. Now your loincloth should look like this:

Step 3:

Tie the two long strips of fabric from the sides together, or if you’re feeling ambitious, sew them for a more professional look. This is the “belt.”

Step 4:

To wear, position the neck hole pouch under package so that it feels comfortable. Hold the ends of the rectangle up in the front and back and then tie the belt around your waist, letting the ends of the larger rectangle fall down to cover the front and rear. Adjust as needed.

Sometimes it is hard to make your vagina happy. Not only are women required to keep flowing blood under control, but they must also prevent pregnancy. I am certainly not complaining; I would just like to offer some words of wisdom that I have learned from my quest for uterine euphoria.

1. Period Problems

When the problem is menstrual bleeding, I find the solution to be the Keeper (or Diva Cup). I am shocked more people have not begun to utilize this ingenious method. It is as simple as a natural gum rubber cup that can be placed inside the vagina, and it works wonders. The cup can hold up to one ounce of menstrual flow and is so comfortable that it cannot even be felt. The keeper is extremely useful when camping, but is also an asset year round. I know many women already realize the discomfort caused by pads due to the diaper-esque construction, but still too many are wedded to their tampons and not willing to change. Even though women wax eloquently about tampons there are many hidden reasons why they are not all they are cracked up to be. One of the main problems is the link between chlorine-bleached tampons and toxic shock syndrome due to the residues of the dangerous chemical dioxin that remains on many tampons. Another huge issue is the environmental waste component. It is estimated that a woman uses up to 15,000 tampons in a lifetime. Think how much cotton, plastic, and cardboard that amounts to. But, there is a solution: the keeper. It is hygienic, comfortable, and good for your body and the earth. Order yours today at www.thekeeper.com for the low cost of $35. That is just $3.50 per year!

2. Preventing Pregnancy

Unfortunately, ultimately preventing pregnancy lies in the hands of the woman and often the choices of birth control methods can seem both overwhelming and frightening. At first glance, condoms seem adequate since they do not require any permanent changes to one’s body, but actually they are far from optimal. They break easily, can be less pleasurable, and inhibit spontaneity. Many of these reasons are why many women have turned to the pill. Gynecologists seem to write out prescriptions right and left without proper forethought, since they are often endorsed by pharmaceutical companies. It seems like many people on the pill today are unaware of its risks and the effects it has on one’s body. It is too soon to have conclusive results from long-term studies, but until it is proven that introducing hormones into ones body every months not detrimental, I do not think it should be used so freely. These issues are what directed me towards a less conventional yet far superior birth control method: the IntraUterine Device. An IUD is a small T-shaped object that is placed inside the uterus. The hormone releasing variety lasts 5-years and the copper one lasts 10-years. Although the copper one is completely natural, it can cause heavier and crampier periods, and thus is not completely ideal. But, the hormone releasing one has no noticeable issues. The hormone progestin is released locally into the uterus in small amounts, and never enters the blood stream. It works by thinning the uterine lining, inhibiting sperm movement, and thickening the cervical mucus. Localized hormone release is less drastic on a woman’s fertility cycle, since ovulation still occurs every month and conception is possible immediately following the IUD removal. Periods are also much lighter and more enjoyable, if they even exist at all. The best part is that it is 99.9% effective against preventing pregnancy, which is higher than any other birth control method. I simply cannot understand why more people do not have IUDs. Perhaps the thought of having a foreign object in one’s uterus can seem frightening, but really, let me assure you, it isn’t. Insertion is slightly painful, but the 10 minutes of pain is well worth the 5 years of complete pregnancy prevention and zero side-effects. I highly recommend that you go to your nearest planned parenthood or gynecologist and find out if an IUD is right for you!

I think the moral to my quest is sometimes the least popular and less conventional methods can be the best. Just because something is popular does not mean it is number one. When it comes to birth control and period devices, sometimes it takes a little longer to find the most superior methods. But, don’t worry, one day keepers and IUDs will be trendy. Just you wait.