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Archive for the ‘Genitals’ Category

Summer cocksicle #1: Pureed Squash with Vermont Maple Syrup and Kentucky Bourbon

Tuesday, August 2nd, 2011

It’s Aug. 1, and that means 2 things. 1: most of today will be devoted to changing over our calendars, and 2: it’s fucking hot. Pretty much the only thing I want in my mouth right now besides Eric Lind’s quivering member is an ice-cold popsicle with booze in it. And since what’s-his-face is out-of-town, I’m makin’ poptails!

Step 1: Assemble Ingredients

You will want 1 butternut squash, maple syrup, Early Times Kentucky Whisky Aged In Oak, For A Taste Worth The Wait, some dairy, some black pepper, and a pinch of salt. Also something to put the cocksicles in, and sticks.


Step 2: Roast the Squash

In the oven, at 350degrees, for 30min.


Step 3: Puree

With your portable immersion blender or trusty food processor, puree the butternut. Then add butter, milk, whiskey, maple syrup, S&P. All proportions are, as usual, to taste.


Step 4: Freeze

Spoon the mixture into manageable serving sizes, add sticks, put in freezer. With more liquidy mixtures I recommend letting them freeze partially for about an hour before adding the sticks. This is pretty stiff though, so it should be fine.


Step 5:

Buddy, dog

Tuesday, August 2nd, 2011


I rise, as usual, with the sun

and whine. Wake up!

No time to waste

(I am the early bird)


Finally she is ready

and we go to the sandy shore

Mighty Mississippi


The waves crash, titanic

They don’t scare me

very much

(I am intrepid)


I race across the beach

at speeds exceeding 100mph

They have never seen anything like it!

(I am the Indy 500)


I wait patiently as I am brushed

Silky hairs piling up in drifts

Plenty more where that came from


At the dog park

My proprietary gaze lands on a statuesque Great Dane

and I mount her from behind

(I am quite the ladies’ man)


Across the field, a pedigreed boxer

I sniff his genitals

and casually attempt an advance

(I am incorrigible ;))


Precise, holistic, complete

Senior formula: Pet Food That Fits Your Lifestyle

I will not settle for less

(I am a ravenous, devouring beast)


I am tired now, after my exertions

and circle, preparing for rest.

Seriously? No AC?

(I am a patient martyr)


I lay by the front door

Exhausted, vigilant

I am a very good dog

Totally Tubular: MRI Images of Coitus

Monday, February 8th, 2010

In 1999, a motley crew of a gynecologist, physiologist, anthropologist, and radiologist, set out to make an amazing discovery. They attempted to find out if it would be feasible to obtain images of male and female genitalia during coitus. The answer: Yes!

We bring you, 11 years later, animated images of their amazing discovery. We here at Crack Home have been, if not enjoying, watching the video.

The paper, for those interested:

The CLAP 2.0

Thursday, January 21st, 2010

This is the future of the Carleton Literary Association Paper.  CLAP rants are constantly migrating into new media, and this is the first full scale rap effort ever attempted.  Re: “Letter to my friends”, “Two Letters/Rants”. The Carleton Literary Association Paper, Vol 8.5 Issues 1 & 2.

CLAP (2.0)

Artist: Drugs feat. Whistling Wizard (Prod. Mad Beetz)

Album: Album of the Year

A Glaring Prejudice

Thursday, July 16th, 2009

As a heterosexual female, I feel it is my duty to draw attention to an example of prejudice so glaring it’s amazing that people haven’t actually been blinded by the injustice of it.  Do you think we’re stupid?  That we wouldn’t notice? We get what you’re saying, assholes. I’m talking about the “All Genders” bathroom fad currently sweeping our country.  It’s great in principle- a bathroom where all are welcome, regardless of creed or gender, to wave around whatever genitalia they may have, in peace.  In “pee”ce.  Fine. Wonderful.  But there’s a dark underbelly to the “All Genders” charade. Look at the sign.  Single-gendered people are being marginalized.  There they are, squeezed into the margins.   Transgendered people are bigger, more athletic, happier.  “Men” and “Women” are small, somber, unattractive, weak, immobile, and have unnaturally large heads.  Why is my torso, the torso of a living, breathing individual with hopes and dreams of her own, portrayed by a stick?  Who says I’m not a spiral, or a zig-zag, or a star? I may only have a vagina, but I have feelings, too.  And to imply that single-gendered people can’t dance? That we just stand, flat-footed, and maybe occasionally clap off beat? That’s a myth, a stereotype, and frankly, I expect better.  I deserve better.  This is an institution that prides itself on its openness and acceptance. So fuck you for making me feel like a second-class citizen. There is a crumbling foundation under this house of cards, and if something doesn’t change, we’ll all be swept into the sea. So I propose that we get new bathroom signs, based on science, not prejudice. It’s probably too late for us, but if we start fighting now, maybe future generations of male and female humans will finally feel like they belong.

Ecuadorian Updates

Monday, December 1st, 2008

Believe it or not but that purple ball was just cut off from an alpaca.

I had the pleasure of castrating an alpaca with a pocket knife. I actually got to hold the castrated, purple (from the disinfectant) ball in my hand, much like Tyler is doing above. Quite the amazing experience.

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