Tits and Balls

Cinematographer: Sarah Ball

An Editor Interviews Ben Page

You are the Libra: You are Magnificent.

You are the all-knowing all-judging scales of Justice. Born of the air, your home is in the Seventh House, where you wake daily in the Illustrious company of Luciano Pavarotti, Lee Harvey Oswald, and the white rapper Eminem. With these, you share the grace of the swan and the gentleness of the lamb.

The Libra triumphs in late September when the moons of Jupiter align with the celestial cosmos, achieving perfect Harmony. Beware, however, the Ides of October, upon which Goddess Libra finds herself greatly weakened by the proximity of detestable Pisces! Avoid escalators, Mexican food, and darts.

In fashion, function usually follows form. But in the case of bedazzled waist sacs, form and function have a symbiotic relationship. As an object of both convince and visual stimulation, the sequined fanny pack is a rare breed. Both satchel and garment, it serves double purpose. While the zippered pouches that safely store one’s goods against the elements of a night out make it an essential colligate tool, its patterned sequined exterior pushes the pack into the realm of an decorative ornament. So in the world of theislandplace.com/fannypacks you can have your cake and eat it too.

Once the value of the pack is dissected, it really becomes no wonder why the flashy belted packs have gained recent popularity at Carleton College. Based on the traditional early eighties fashion this new pack that we see today has been molded and modified to adhere to modern fashion codes. Thus is the addition of bling. In the post Y2K world da bling is king, and today’s fashion forward packer knows it.

The leading artesian bedazzling emporium of Hawaii’s website: theislandpalace.com serves as a web based catalyst for bling craftsman to sell a cornucopia of different sequined wonders, such as flamed ornamented sexy bustiers and cummerbunds with musical scores.  Although fashionable, none of these other bedazzled products achieve the useful properties that the fanny pack possesses. The palaces fanny pack webpage are divided into subsections of bedazzled designs for the online shoppers convenience. The categories of designs include “a rainbow of solid colors, USA, music, mosaic ying yangs, and super cute animal fanny packs.” The packs thus appeal to all walks of life, as long as thoughts of America, rainbows, making music, ying yangs and cute animals leave you breathless.

The buffet of options within each of these categories is also quite remarkable. The beast forms feature everything from a panda to a crab and the “mosic ying yangs” incorporate a subtle cross blend zebra print into one of their yang fanny pack numbers. The “USA” category is not strictly star spangled, but has designs which also incorporate a patriotically a colorful music bar or animal print or two.

Once you get over the initial primal attraction to the fanny pack’s sequined design, you can notice the simple beauty of the packs construction as a storage utensil. It places valuables near the fanny, isolated them from both harm and/or misplacement. This feature also keeps the hands free from valuables and ready for holding other objects or gesturing such that one might compliment one’s verbal conversation with appropriate hand movements. Also, because of its plastic clip and its placement (one usually places ones pack around the waist), the FP can double as a functional belt when slipped though loops. Thus, although it is a fashionable garnish to any outfit, the bedazzled fanny-pack is also an invention of erotically charged convenience. And although most may say such a precious pouch for possessions must be priceless they are sold for only a meager $15 dollars. So really, the only question is: why aren’t you packin’?

It’s not without reason that Cosmo is the #1 magazine among self-loathing, man-chasing women everywhere. Not only do its articles offer fascinating insight into the male psyche (”What He Thinks When You’re Naked,” “Why Men Cheat In August,” “What His Down-There Grooming Says”), the Cosmopolitan reader is constantly inundated with advice about how to be skinnier, dress sexier, and please her man in bed. There’s rarely anything earth-shattering between Cosmo’s pages (eat less, wear shorter skirts, do it doggy-style), however, occasionally there is an article so revolutionary that it cannot be ignored. There is one such piece in the September 2008 issue. Without further ado, I bring you

Scope A Guy’s Size…Without Getting Busted

(It’s actually kind of long, so here are some excerpts. The entire page can be found here.)

“Look up absentmindedly, pretending to try to remember something you’ve forgotten. Next, cross your arms, and put your head in your hand (it gives the allusion of deep thought) as you turn to spy on his package. Then glance away again, looking perplexed”

“While within 6 inches of him, slide your hand down as if you’re about to put it in your bag but accidentally graze his groin. Offer a casual ‘Oops, sorry!’ if he seems taken aback”

“Don’t record his largess with your camera phone. Remember: The date you want to end up with is not one in court.”

Clearly, there are few qualifications more necessary than a big dick, so thanks, Cosmo, for bringing up that important point. I only worry about the effectiveness of these measures. Are you trying to tell me that merely by glancing at an underweared, be-pantsed, flaccid penis you can learn anything definitive about it’s erect size? Bullshit. Ditto for a brief “graze.” Cosmo, you can be shallow, sexist, overpriced, and repetitive. In fact, we expect it. But when we need to find out wang size ASAP, we come to you. So please, stop lying to us.