Tits and Balls

MUSIC

The Neon Indian concert at Governor’s Island turned out to be a fun evening, but far from perfect.  Since Neon Indian have only a small repertoire, the show also featured Prefuse 73, DOM, and Nite Jewel.  Most of the music was quality psychedelic dance pop, but was again the hipster crowd proved that they simply cannot dance. Additionally, the security personnel were on a major power trip and thwarted any possible hope of exploring the island late at night.  Food and beer prices were sky high, which is to be expected.

One of the many Security Personnel

The Scene

The show The Capeman written and directed by Paul Simon was much less enjoyable.  Waking up at 5 a.m and waiting in line for free tickets in Central Park until 1:00 p.m ended up being more enjoyable than the show itself.  The evening was rainy and chilly, yet that is not what made the musical viewing experience so miserable.  The show was destined for failure mainly because Paul Simon tried to capture the Puerto Rican immigrant experience with no basis to do so.  And because of this the music and choreography suffered since Simon has no personal experience with the culture.

DINING

Following a long line-waiting experience, we dined at Nougatine in Jean-Georges.  Eating on the patio was a good way to disguise the fact that we were not as stylish as the other celebrity-seeking clientele.  The fried calamari was absolutely delicious with a touch of basil salt.  The citrus-chilli dip also helped make the dish.  Jean-Georges makes a lot of the sauces in a whipped-cream maker, so they have an incredible airy texture.

The poached peaches with pistachio ice cream and hazelnut was an unusual dish.  I thought the peaches tasted like olives and was not in love with them, but the ice cream was absolutely delicious.

All in all, a delightfully delicious meal.

H & H bagels

The selection of varieties are minimal, but the bagels are always hot and delicious.  Being able to eat a fresh bagel and lox sandwich and 4:30 a.m is an unbelievable luxury, so I am not going to complain about the lack of flavors or atmosphere of the restaurant.  We made the fellow line-waiters so jealous with these bagels that we did not make any friends.

RECREATION

Four stars to the midtown greenway.  Well paved, well labeled, and away from traffic.  The best way to travel around Manhattan.

RECREATION

It turns out that “Schuylkill” is pronounced more like “skoogle” than like “sheyulkel.” As in, “The Schuylkill River Trail is a strange dichotomy of serene and hectic, with the scenic waterfront on one side and a 4 lane highway on the other. There should be more water fountains.”

DINING

Honey’s Sit’n'Eat: ostensibly Jewish-Southern Fusion, although we felt like the cuisine was more combined than fused. They featured both Matzo Ball Soup and Fried Green Tomatoes, but nothing along the lines of Latkes and Sausage Gravy, or Deep Fried Brisket. The waiters were unbearably hip, and Honey’s does not accept credit cards. But there was a note in the bathroom about how to flush the antique toilet, which I found endearing.

Some Cheese Steak Restaurant with “John” in the title: According to one native Philadelphian*, this is the only place in the city that doesn’t serve low-quality beef on low-quality bread with Cheez Whiz. The sandwiches are humongous and delicious. It was in a decidedly untouristy part of town between I-95 and a Blockbuster, and the cook was impatient to the point of being rude, so I’m pretty sure it was authentic. No free water.

*neither of those adjectives is true

TRANSPORTATION

Wasn’t crazy about the trains, mostly because of some confusion about when the last train was going back to Mount Airy. We thought it was closer to 1:30, they thought it was more like midnight.

The system is almost unbelievably archaic, too. It doesn’t accept credit cards, and one buys little metal tokens to get on the subway. On trains going out to the edge of the city, a conductor comes around with a hole punch. It would be cute if a one-way ticket didn’t cost 5 dollars. (I think Philadelphia has no money.)

TOURIST ATTRACTIONS

I was EXTREMELY disappointed by the Liberty Bell.

**Corrections

Liberty Bell notwithstanding, I really loved Philadelphia. Our hosts were gracious and badass, the pizza was icy cold, and the beer was herby and delicious. The Something Corporate show (NOT Taking Back Sunday) was an embarrassing blast from my early high school past. It’s a great city to bike in, and if New Orleans sinks into the ocean (and I very much hope that it does not), then Philadelphia will be high on my list of places to live.

And to all you scrapple virgins out there- Stop it.

First, make dough. This is my Italian grandmother’s recipe (seriously). Mix 2 2/3 cups flour, 1 tsp salt, 1 TBSP olive oil. Add 1 TBSP yeast bloomed in 1 cup warm water. Let rise for some time. While the dough is rising, turn on the oven (450ish) and put in a halved squash of some sort.

Stretch dough- should make two pans. If you mess up here, it will be catastrophic. If having a dinner party, only let your most even-tempered friends participate in dough-stretching.

********A Tits Thought Sidebar*********
While you are stretching the dough, contemplate what you would be like if you parents were Ayn Rand and David Foster Wallace. You might also wish to contemplate the circumstances under which Ayn Rand and David Foster Wallace would conceive a child. Submissions welcome.

*****************************************

Now that your dough is stretched, it is time to put things on it. Take out the squash (remember the squash? It’s in the oven), and cut it into strips or mash it up or something. Put squash on dough. Drizzle with olive oil. Add a handful of chopped fresh garlic, generous amounts of dried thyme (you could probably use fresh if you have it), black pepper, and freshly grated parm or asiago or comparable cheese. Put in oven (still 450-ish) and bake until done.

Top with some sort of balsamic glaze/reduction. I was lucky enough to find a bottle labeled “Balsamic Glaze” in the cupboard that the previous renters had left behind. I heated it on the stove and added some honey, just so that I could feel useful. If your previous renters didn’t leave glaze, I infer from “reduction” that you cook it on the stove for a long time, perhaps adding honey at some point. You could also google it.

Enjoy pizza!

Moral of the Recipe: When cooking, it is important never to become frenzied. When you find yourself panicking, try to remember that you are in your kitchen, and settle down.

Fall is a season of mixed emotions.  It signifies below freezing temperatures arriving all too soon, but it is also a season of communal gatherings, beautiful colors, and joyous festivities.  One of my personal favorite fall activities is apple picking followed by pie baking.  We recently baked two delicious apple pies, where many friends gathered to be photographed with the creation.  Here is the recipe so you can recreate it for yourself.  Also, it is key to creatively decorate the crust, so you do not just make any old ordinary pie. We chose to do a marijuana leaf, but your motif can cater to the theme of the gathering.

Applie pie recipe:

For the filling:

• 8 or 9 large apples of several different cooking varieties (Delicious apples will NOT do), peeled, cored, and thinly sliced
• Juice of 1 large lemon
• Sugar
• Ground cinnamon
• Unsalted butter

For the Crust:

• 3 cups sifted all-purpose flour
• 1/4 cup sugar
• Pinch of salt
• 8 tablespoons (1 stick) unsalted butter, chilled and cut into 8 pieces
• 1/3 cup shortening, chilled and cut into small pieces
• 6 to 8 tablespoons iced water

Preparation

To make the pie:
Preheat oven to 450° F.

Prepare the pastry. Line a 9-inch pie pan with half of the pastry and set aside in the refrigerator, along with the unrolled half, while you make the filling. Taste a few slices of the apples to gauge how much sugar you’ll need to make them sweet. In a large bowl, mix the apple slices in the lemon juice. Sprinkle with sugar and cinnamon to taste, then add the mace and nutmeg. Pour the apple mixture into the prepared pastry shell. Mound toward the center and dot with butter. Roll out the remaining pastry and carefully lay it over the apples. Seal the edges, cut vent holes, and decorate with extra pieces of dough cut into decorative shapes.  Place the pie pan on a baking sheet (to catch any spill over) and cook in the middle of the oven for 10 minutes. Turn the oven down to 350° F. and continue to cook for about another hour, until the top crust is a beautiful golden brown. If the edges start to darken too much, cover with a ribbon of aluminum foil.

To make the crust:
Combine the flour, sugar, and salt in a bowl. Incorporate the butter and shortening with a pastry blender until the mixture resembles coarse cornmeal.  Add the iced water, 1 tablespoon at a time, until the dough begins to form into a ball. Turn the dough out onto a sheet of plastic wrap. As you wrap the dough in the plastic, form it into a disk. Refrigerate for 30 minutes.

Take the dough from the refrigerator and cut it into 2 pieces, one slightly bigger than the other. Wrap the smaller piece in plastic wrap and return to the refrigerator. Roll out the bigger piece on a lightly floured surface until it’s slightly larger than the pie pan. Drape one end of the dough over the pin and gently lift it up, then slip the pan underneath the dough and lower it into the pan. Press the dough gently — and quickly — against the sides of the pan. Leave about an inch of dough hanging over the sides of the pan and cut any excess away. Refrigerate the crust for at least 30 minutes before filling.

After you have filled the pie, take the smaller disk from the refrigerator and roll it out on a lightly floured surface until it’s a little bigger than the pie. Drape one end of the dough over the rolling pin, lift it gently, then drape it over the top of the filling. Press the edges together and crimp to seal.  Makes a double 9-inch crust.

It all began when my roommate and I interviewed to work as an ice cream truck driver for Bill’s Best Buy Ice Cream at Bill’s girlfriend’s laundromat in a Minneapolis suburb.  He thought it would be neutral ground in which we could talk.

A typical day:

Noon: Wake up and call Bill to find out what time to begin work.

Bill: “Oh, it’s noon already? I was out pretty late at the casino.  Give me an hour or two to stock up the truck.  Be here no later than 2:00.”

2:00: Take the bus to a mall near Bill’s house.  Call Bill to be picked up.  Bill: “You’re here already?!  Umm, I’m running a little bit behind schedule.  I’ll have my girlfriend Leanne pick you up.”

2:45:  Leeann arrives and buys me lunch at Leeann Chins. She complains about how difficult it is to date Bill, especially when he doesn’t share his winnings at the casino.  Awkward.

3:15 Arrive at Bill’s house and help him finish loading the truck.  Take inventory, making sure to under count two Chaco Taco’s for a snack.

4:00 Finally arrive at the first lake with the droning Christmas songs blasting from the truck.

4:15 Man approaches truck with a camera.  Asks, “Mind if I take a few pictures of you girls? I do watercolors.”

5:00 Leave the lake to head to the water park.  Must drive for quite some time on a four lane highway in a truck with nonadjustable mirrors. Smoke a spliff and listen to Beirut on the way.  It is now rush hour. Car in the next lane, yells out the window, “Got any bomb pops?” Of course, I reply.  She holds out $1.25, as traffic begins to move again.  I take the money, throw her a bomb pop, and quickly drive away.

6:00 Arrive at the water park, but quickly leave due to lack of crowds. One customer buys an ice cream sandwich and asks, “What do you do with all that money? Buy weed?!” I just chuckle.  I talk to Bill while on the highway and he says to go to the next lake, and meet him at his house when finished.

7:30 Arrive at Bill’s house and call him wondering where he is.  He is screaming so loud it is impossible to hear.  Finally I decode that he sent Leeann to look for me because I hadn’t called in a while, and she got into a car accident on the way.  I apologize and hang up.

8:00 Want to go home but cannot find the appropriate wrench to put the windows up.  Borrow a wrench from every person in the near vicinity, but none of them work.  Sit back and enjoy the sunset.

9:00 Bill arrives home. Puts the windows up and sends me home.  Tells me not to bother coming to work the next day.

Two days later Bill calls. Bill: “Why haven’t you been coming to work?” Me: “You fired me.”  Bill: “Oh, I didn’t really mean it.  I need you. None of my other employees have driver’s licenses.”

And the saga goes on all summer long.

Remember when I wrote lamenting the fact that spin art was not more popular?  Well Damien Hirst, a famous British artist, grossed a record $200 million dollars last year at an auction in London from his spin art painting collection.  Admittedly, his work his quite a bit better than mine, but not that much better.