It’s a lazy way to cover the Minnesota State Fair, but I’m still recovering from our visit, and speechless. More themes probably forthcoming.
Cheese Curd Twins - We Fry Cheese to Please!
Navy Twins
Milk Twins - Farmers Feed Us!
French Fries Twins!
Elderly Twins - On a bench
*Editor’s Pick - Burnsville Marching Band Dating Twins
Shameless and unnecessary cute pic for the kids
So apparently, according to the Sunday times article Whiffle Hurling? Bag Tag? Hey, It’s Art, we are not alone in creating new, “original” sports events. Not only are we innovators, we are also performance artists. According to the article, “everything inherent in theater is inherent in sports…absurdist sports are an outgrowth of the contemporary art-world trend toward participatory art, which is intended to break down walls between artist and audience.” Let’s give ourselves a pat on the back for not only having not-so-original fun, but being cutting edge artists at the same time. Although our sports event includes the classic Carleton twist: alcohol and illicit substances. Even though the bicycle mile has been postponed indefinitely, it will still exist. We need to pick a time and make it happen. We don’t need the swine flu to be featured in the times. According to a comparative literature professor at Stanford University, “so intellectuals, when they play games, they cannot just play normal games. It has to be intellectualized.” So true.
The real question is does this article legitimize our creative medium or cheapen our “quirkiness?”
we have a great idea. we have a new event. 4/30 at 9pm. it is called THE 24 BEER BICYCLE MILE. it is based on the experience that i had today, while trying to buy beer to go with the nachos.
this is what you do: teams of four. each team has a case of beer and a bicycle, and those two items have to go around the track together four times. only one person may be on the track at a time. i guess you could call it a relay, of sorts. the beer and the bike must always remain together. only one person can be on the track at a time. for example, all four people could stop between any round at the start/finish line and drink together. empties need not be carried around with the bicycle, no full/half full/being consumed beers can be abandoned at the start/finish by the bicycle. you are not finished until each person has done one lap around the track and the entire case has been CONSUMED. the consumption may happen in any point during the relay. empties may be left at the start and do not need to be carried around with the bicycle. we should definitely wear helmets (tits). BUT REALLY ALWAYS WE HAVE TO WEAR HELMETS. and pants strongly recommended. kneepads/additional padding optional. chaps are cool too.
we would also like to offer a 50 meter headstart for every bowl that you smoke before your turn. you can smoke during all of the rounds of the people preceeding you. this could be advantageous for you, or detrimental. it is important to think about it.
snacks are optional.
regulations regarding baskets pending, but we’d love some feedback. comment below at TITSANDBALLS.ORG!! also you can sign up that way.
later,
muzzi, tits+balls, jamie kathleen
The Minnesota State Fair is famous, first and foremost, for food. There are rides, and some animals, and 14 butter busts of the Princess Kay of the Milky Way contestants (?). But that’s not why people travel from across the Midwest, braving heat and oppressive crowds. They come, instead, for the fried Snickers, for the cheese curds and milkshakes and peanut butter hotdogs and fried alligator and fried pickles on a stick and fried spaghetti on a stick and chocolate covered bacon. One delicacy that is often overlooked was recently discovered by our very own OldMcDonaldFarm, who has to date eaten 2 Minnesota State Fair Turkey Legs and lived to tell the tale.
Torn from the flesh of a truly Goliath turkey, this tasted of ham, grease, mustard and occasionally bologna, although never of turkey. It was a strange reddish-purple color and contained many “popsicles,” bits of meat clinging to smaller bones and tendons that surrounded the center, of which OldMcDonaldFarm was especially fond. In the end, after hours of struggle, the two of us were unable to consume the beast, and at last were forced to admit defeat.
I don’t mean for this article to discourage anyone, because I believe that the Minnesota State Fair Giant Turkey Leg is a worthy experience, although not for the faint of heart. And with the fair over and my digestion of the Leg nearly complete, I think that in a year I will be ready to try again.
I have to admit when Balls wrote on her arm “Tits eats garbage,” after the aforementioned potato skin incident and claimed she was jotting down inspiration for our website, I was incredibly worried. But, now, I have to say I am very pleased to see what she has written and that my actions, which at the time seemed disgusting, have made a true impact on the surrounding people. What Balls and most of the other people at the concert don’t know is just how much garbage I collected throughout the course of the event. I was in charge of night-cleanup, thus everynight from 1:00 a.m-3:30 a.m I picked up others peoples trash. I really did not mind this job considering I collected an abundance of treasures including: unopened beers, half a pizza, countless packs of cigarettes, lighters, bubbles, sunglasses…and even more was collected by my more ambitious co-workers. Although I took great joy in these objects, I was still dismayed by the amount of trash and recyclables that littered the field. Considering that the festival’s main population is constituted of so-called “hippies,” I expected greater regard for one’s waste. I am aware that the combination of substances greatly affected people’s mental awareness and their abilities to focus on their trash and belongings, but nevertheless it is incredibly easy to put trash in one’s pocket or purse to throw out at a more convenient time. Even though the fields were littered with garbage, the trash piles at 10 KLF are a huge improvement on the country music festival that takes place in the same location. Apparently, at the WE festival you cannot even see the grass after a night of partying. So, yes, “hippies” really do make a greater effort than the general population; any time there is a large mass of people, unfortunately and inevitably a large mass of garbage follows. Anyway, on the positive side of the spectrum the festival’s not quite-so ambitious recycling goals were indeed met and those potato skins really were quite delicious.
At the recent 10K Lakes Festival, an event occurred which at first, seemed like a clear-cut case of Tits being kind of gross. Deeper reflection, however, has caused me to rethink my own values and the vaunted ideals of this entire nation. Here is my story.
We placed our blanket a good way back from the stage, in a grassy area generally reserved for the more relaxed fanbase- people were eating, smoking, chatting, a few danced. It was idyllic. A few yards in front of us there was a small pile of trash, presumably left by concert-goers less eco-conscious than Tits (see Environmental Rants/Musings). This pile of trash included some napkins, perhaps an empty beer can or two, and a small paper plate with the crusty remains of someone’s potato skins and two cigarette butts. “What waste!” Tits cried, deeply offended that someone should discard such treasures. “There are plenty of skins left, practically a meal! Who would do such a thing?” (It should be mentioned that Tits may or may not have been high as balls at this point.) “I can’t believe it! Those skins look delicious!” And so on. I could prolong this tale, but there seems no point, and so I will skip to the end: Tits nudged the butts aside and ate the potato dregs. All of them. Offered them to the rest of us, but got no takers. Finished off the entire plate.
Now, the gentle reader may be aghast, nay appalled, by this display. I admit that I myself was vaguely dismayed. But then I thought: If someone who I knew to be starving had eaten the food they found on the ground, I would not have been disgusted, merely a bit sad. But I would not have passed judgment, as I admit I did on Tits, because I know that she can afford first-hand potatoes. Is the implication, then, that we must always live above, not below, our means? And if so, does this not appear to be at the base of many of the issues our nation and world face today? Sure, Tits could have bought new skins, thus creating more paper waste and perhaps not even finishing the generous portion. But when you think about it, what’s so bad about old potato skins? The concert area was cleaned every night, so they couldn’t even have been more than a few hours old. Besides the cigarette butts, which are basically harmless even when ingested, there was no visible contamination. It is practically inconceivable that someone may have baited the skins with poison, a risk so small it’s not worth worrying about. And at a music festival, a place where reasonable people buy dangerous drugs from strangers and sit on shit-smeared toilets, leaning on beer encrusted port-a-potty walls in drunken stupors before stumbling off to have unprotected sex with dirty hippies, someone’s leftover snack seem practically sterile. So maybe Tits was right to do what she did. I don’t know if she was really trying to make a stand against the careless and wasteful nature of most American consumers, as she claimed, or if she just had a bad case of the munchies. Either way, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Maybe the world would be a better place if everyone was a bit more like Tits.
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