## Math and Porn #1: Night nurses and swinging beds

ATTENTION: This post contains material that may not be suitable for all readers.

The other night I had the opportunity to watch “Night Nurses”, a pornographic film starring Asia Carrera. Asia Carrera is not your average porn star, though. She was a child piano prodigy, performing at Carnegie Hall twice by the age of 15, and she is a member of Mensa. Now she is a retired porn star who spends most of her day playing Unreal Tournament and working on her website.

Personally, I like porn with good plot lines…I prefer a little intellectual stimulation, something more inspired than the humdrum porn Dr. Rubs watches. “Night Nurses” had a better plot than I was expecting, but it could have been a lot better. The basic premise is this: This one nurse runs a teaching hospital, where experienced nurses team up with student nurses to give “physical therapy” to their patients. However, the boss of the hospital doesn’t like this going on behind his back, so he gets spy-nurse Asia Carrera to gather some evidence of these “physical therapy sessions” so he can shut down the teaching section of the hospital. The other nurses catch on to Asia’s secret and, during a hot lesbian encounter, they destroy the evidence. Then, the main nurse seduces the boss while the regional supervisor (or whoever the boss’s boss is) watches from under a blanket. The boss gets fired, and the teaching hospital is saved.

As I said, the plot is there…it’s just not very captivating. To make matters worse, many of the sex scenes reuse footage, so you’ll often end up watching the same penetration shot 3 times over the course of the encounter. I was also disappointed by the cinematography of “Night Nurses”. The cameraman seemed bent on capturing the gritty parts of the sexual act, placing the camera behind the man’s asscrack during penetration and exposing hairy manhole in all its glory to the innocent, unsuspecting viewers. NOT something I wanted to start off my Friday night.

In addition, many of the actors and actresses had unappealing body parts. Quite a few “patients” had strangely shaped balls. Since the camerawork incorporated the sack into the film much more than anyone could enjoy, I had to stare at dry, hairless, funny taut testicles while trying to enjoy the action that had been relegated to the background. The nurses, too, were strangely shaped. A few of them had inflated their tits way past any reasonable level. When they were boning down with the patients, their silicon globs wouldn’t bounce, but just sort of shift up and down like there were puppet strings attached to the guy’s dick, pulling them back and forth periodically. Even worse was the fact that the main nurse, Asia Carrera’s co-star, slapped about a pound of makeup on her face, effectively making her look 60. Not hot.

Although “Night Nurses” was sub-par, Asia Carrera had a decent performance, and you could tell that director Toni English had sort-of tried to make something a bit better. All in all it was mediocre, and for those without discriminating taste you may enjoy this (I’m looking at you, Dr. Rubs), but I’ve got higher standards. Verdict: 2/5.

I spent the night in the cities last night, at Tits’s apartment. When I was trying to choose a place to sleep I thought about the hammock, but when I tried it out I ended up getting bent into a very uncomfortable V-shape. I got off and examined the hammock. It was hanging freely from the ceiling at both ends, and apart from the very ends of it, the hammock seemed to have a uniform weight distribution. While I was not sitting on it, the hammock was at static equilibrium; thus, the sum of all forces on the hammock must be 0. Therefore,

where is the force holding the hammock up on one end (call it position 0), s is some position on the hammock measured from position 0 where was measured, is the mass of the hammock at position s, and is the tension at position s. If we assume that the mass is uniform (which isn’t completely true for the hammock, but for the most part it is), we can take the derivative of the equation above to get

If we set up the hammock on Cartesian coordinates, the gravitational force pulls the hammock in the -y direction, so we can split this equation up into two components:

Since the derivative of is 0, we know that must be a constant, call it c. From this we get

which we can plug in to the other component of the derivative of our model, to get:

We can replace the ds term in terms of x and y using the equation for arc length:

Then we have

I don’t really know many good ways of solving differential equations, but the solution to this one is:

From this we get the general equation of the catenary curve, the shape of a hanging chain (or hammock):

where

Anyway, it was uncomfortable, so I decided to sleep in the bed instead.