Tits and Balls

Travis: most likely to… dress best, obtain a PHD, go to space, be super fit, join the military, get into a fight at his son/daughter’s sporting event, die first.

Life story:  Travis will attend graduate school where he will obtain a PHD in space travel.  He will begin to be best dressed in his class and subsequently woo a spouse.  After some brief stints in space, he decides that he is already super fit and it would be apropos to join the military.  Upon completing his service, he fathers a child and fosters the child’s athleticism and sense of competition.  At his son’s first soccer game, Travis gets into a physical altercation with the referee over a poor call made against his son, which tragically ends in an early death.

Will: most likely to… sleep with a hooker, go to jail, go to rehab and give head, meet his spouse on-line, join a cult

Life story:  To blow off some post-graduation anxiety, Will will sleep with a hooker.  Unfortunately, the condom breaks and Will contracts a new and rare incurable STD.  Will studies up on his organic chemistry and begins to create a pill that he believes will cure this new disease.  While the drug does indeed work, it is highly addictive.  In order to feed his new drug addiction, Will begins prostituting himself.  This lands Will in jail and subsequently rehab.  At this point Will is now STD-free and engages in oral sex with several fellow rehab-goers.  Post-rehab, Will finds himself lonely and alone and decides to try a trial subscription to J-date. He quickly falls in love and marries a lovely Jewish woman.  Together they renounce traditional Judaic practices and join a cult centered around experiential sexual experiences.

Max: most likely to…be a trustee, have kids first, elected office, receive a vasectomy

Shortly after graduation, Max will meet the woman of his dreams.  Immediately following their wedding, they conceive a child.  Max is unsatisfied with Oregon’s laws against self-serve gas, since he is addicted to the smell of gas fumes and enjoys them on his hands, thus he runs for mayor of Portland.  Max wins the race and quickly changes the law.  Max fathers two more children and the large family begins to take a toll on his political career.  Max is unable to achieve an erection while wearing a condom and his wife reacts strongly to extra hormones, so Max decides the only solution is to get a vasectomy.  Finally, he is a successful politician and becomes a trustee at Carleton College, where all his children attend.

KK: most likely to…fly an airplane, disappear for 15 years then reappear, live abroad, be hottest obese person

Life story: Unsure of what to do with his newfound freedom, KK will secretly buy a plane, take flying lessons, and disappear.  After his friends and family mourn this disappearance for 15 years, he makes a grand reappearance, sharing stories of a grand life around the globe.   Unable to readjust to consumer culture in the good ‘ol USA, KK turns to overeating for happiness.  It takes years for him to pack on the pounds, but he eventually becomes obese, and receives more date offers than ever before with his new flab.

Dan: most likely to…marry first, have the most kids, come to every reunion

Always a romantic at heart, Dan will fall madly in love, and one month after graduation propose in a room he filled floor to ceiling with roses.  While the lucky woman suffers from many thorn cuts, she happily accepts, and the two get married within the year.  Soon Dan becomes dissatisfied with married life, and realizes he wants some kids to play with.  10 years later, the Jensens have 10.  Dan is satisfied with his life, but the true highlights are Carleton reunions.  Dan refuses to ever miss one, and even came with all 5 kids when 4 of them had the chicken pox.

Gibson: most likely to…be elected office, sleep with his boss, have a mid-life crisis, get divorced first, run from his wedding, have an affair, be obese, live abroad

Life story: Upon graduation, Gibson accepts a entry-level desk job only to pay the bills temporarily until he finds the job of his dreams in Brooklyn.  Instead, he becomes infatuated with his hot boss and spends the next 20 years of his life trying to woo her into bed with him.  Eventually, both get quite drunk at a company party and he finally achieved the seemingly impossible.  The sex was less than satisfactory and so is his job, thus Gibson is forced to reevaluate his life.  This sparks an interminable mid-life crisis resulting in weeks and weeks of watching TV and eating ice cream.  Now obese, jobless, and alone, Gibson makes a pact with himself to turn his life around.  He begins running and runs into a beautiful girl with a dog.  Confusing lust with love, Gibson agrees to marry her, but second guesses himself and runs from the altar.  Again alone, Gibson sets off to reinvent his life again.  He runs for office, surprisingly wins, and marries his campaign manager.  However, he still misses his first fiancee, especially the dog, and has an affair with her, ending his marriage.  Gibson’s perpetual indecision and reevaluation do not lead to a happy ending.  With nothing left for him in the states, he moves abroad to Spain, where he no longer has clout with the Spanish women

Jenny…most likely to be famous

Life story: Jenny will become so focused on her creative talents, she will have little time for anything else.  But soon, her hard work will pay off, and her work will sell like wildfire.  Jenny will become the most talented new contemporary artwork, showing her work at such high profile shows as the Whitney biennial.  She wil continue to excel in the improv world as well, and will no longer be able to walk down the streets without autograph requests.

Zach: most likely to…live abroad, be a DILF, have an on-line sex tape, have an affair

After graduation, Zach moves to Montana where he lives in a trailer with an extremely hot cow girl.  Day-in and day-out the two have steamy sex, videotaping each session.  One day the trailer is robbed, and all the sex-tapes end up on the internet.  This proves to be positive for Zach since he then receives hundreds of fan letters every day.  A particularly thoughtful letter inspires Zach to call her and ask her out on a date.  They quickly get married, and even though Zach still sleeps with the cowgirl, he has two children with his new wife.   All his daughter’s friends pronounce him a DILF, and try to sleep with him, but Zach already has his hands, or I should say penis, full.

Lauren: most likely to…find Jesus, be PTA leader, last to die

The tolls of college prove to be harder on Lauren then the rest of her party-loving friends because she unfairly lacks the enzyme alcohol dehydrogenase.  After a year of excruciating liver pain, she decides to repent for her sins, hoping she can turn her life around.  She finds Jesus, gives up drugs and alcohol, and her liver begins to heal.  At a bible study camp, she meets the man of her dreams, and two have beautiful healthy children.  Lauren is so worried her children will too end up with failing livers, so she becomes a helicopter parent, baking cupcakes for the PTA weekly.  Since Lauren has not had a drop of alcohol in many years, she outlives all of her friends, and does not die until the age of 107.

Balls: most likely to…win a competitive eating competition, never get a job with benefits

Graduating with a place to live, yet no real job, Balls enrolls in a jambalaya eating competition.  Excited about the $200 cash prize, and 15 pounds of free jambalaya, Balls dedicates the next two months of her life to practicing.  She wins the competition by a landslide, and makes her mark on the map of competitive eating.  Excited about her new found talent, she signs up for more and more competitions.  Soon, she is traveling the world participating in eating competitions and becomes the best female eater in the world.  Eating proves itself to be quite lucrative, and Balls never needs to find a real job.

Alice: most likely to…buy a minivan, become a republican

Although Alice has a hatred for children, she does have a love for pleasing others.  She soon meets a all-American, family-centered man, and cannot help but fall in love with him.  This man is so charismatic, there is nothing Alice will not do for him, which sadly includes buying a mini-van to transport their three blue-eyed children to soccer practice.  Alice soon becomes obsessed with her newfound influx of money and begins to vote republican.

Tits: most likely to…never get a real job, live on a commune, fulfill her dream, live alone with her pets, play bingo weekly

Upon graduation, Tits will move to a commune.  She loves the communal daily life, but the entrepreneur in her will take over.  She will leave the commune, and set out to fulfill her dream.  One year later, Tits’ bagels will open.  The shop will be met with wild success and is given four stars by the New York Times.  By this point, Tits owns four cats, two birds, two goats, a pig, and chickens.  Balls soon becomes frustrated with the amount of animals in the house, since they are constantly eating the food she needs to practice for her competition.  Balls then moves out, and Tits is left alone with her animals.  Tits does not mind, since she is so busy baking and has plenty of animals for company.  Every week, Tits sets aside a night of free time to play bingo, where her bird accompanies her on her shoulder.  The night is always filled with continuous laughter, and ends with cash prizes, which Tits uses to buy toys for her pets.